You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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