I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
