the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
love makes seman taste better
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
