kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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