phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
two words...techno handjob
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
