you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
