i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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