If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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