this beer tastes like vomit already
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
