my phone needs a breathalizer
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
