Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
40s are totally the cure
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
