if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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