i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
