They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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