there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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