R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
