you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
