You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
