Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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