oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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