I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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