fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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