Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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