Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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