i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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