you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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