My balls are so social today.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize