i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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