Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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