my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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