remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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