I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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