the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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