I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
