I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
