so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
