Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
