Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
