I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
