I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
