If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
