i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
