At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
