I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
