He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize