dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
