You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
