wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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