I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sobbing to NWA
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
