I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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