i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
