that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
