forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
