remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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