Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I want her autograph on my taint
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize