I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
