Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
