I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
