I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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