These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
